Previously, I opined about apparent sexism (at the very least, immaturity and rudeness)--within my daughter's youth basketball league, for which I coach.
Since I posted that little rant, we've played several games with great refs. I don't know if things improved because I sent a very long email to the basketball league board, or because the rude refs refuse to work my games now (could I be so lucky?), or maybe it's just luck of the draw. At any rate, things have been better.
Still, our last game was against the same team we were playing when the rude ref incident occurred, and the other team's coach took over the rude roll.
Listen, I am well aware this could be a problem with me. I've done my best to self-analyze, be as objective as possible, check my emotions and try to see things as an outsider just watching the game. Imperfect and emotional as I can be, the truth is more important than just my side of things (though it would sure be nice to have an assistant coach who happened to be there all the time so we could compare mental notes--even better if it was a guy who was truly on my side). But I can't shake the definite impression I get of discrimination.
We lost 19-32, which was at least a higher score than our previous 11-28. We ran them tired and even were the first to score. My girls have improved so much, and I'm so proud--and my own daughter was a sparkplug out there, with many steals, drives, and wicked defense. We just have such a wide range of skill levels on our team, it's difficult to bring them all together (our lowest have a long way to go, and games can't (or shouldn't) be won on the backs of 1 or 2 players), especially when I'm bound by mandatory substitution rules. With all ten of my girls healthy now, I have to keep teams of 5 intact, which hurts us when I've got a couple who refuse to challenge anyone driving the baseline. Nevertheless, we've improved leaps and bounds and I think they're having fun.
This last game was against the top team in our bracket. They've won all but one game. It would be a fun challenge to play them if they acted like gracious, kind competitors. However, led by their rude coach, the girls are obnoxious and unkind. They had only 6 girls playing, and I hoped to run them tired with my quick 2nd 5.
Our rules stipulate that if there are only 6 players, the coach must sit each girl for 1 complete 6 minute play period. This coach kept the starting 5 in until one girl fouled at with 14 minutes left in the 2nd half. Granted, I wasn't really paying attention until I realized their top scorer (Gargantua) hadn't been out the entire game and, forgetting they had one foul out, asked the coach if he planned to ever sub Gargantua. He YELLED at me that he HAS NO ONE TO SUB! A calm reply would have sufficed. Earlier this coach had yelled, stomped around, argued with the refs about a foul called on Gargantua for swinging her elbows without a pivot, which is an obvious foul, but he not only disagreed, he argued in the ref's face as the ref calmly explained and had a conversation with him. Had it been me yelling and arguing, I guarantee I would never have gotten a calm explanation and certainly would not have been treated as a buddy.
During the game, I asked the refs to watch the 3-seconds in the key (Gargantua parked herself there and never left), and called a timeout 3 times while we had possession of the ball, only to lose possession and have the ref tell me we had to have possession. If my voice is so irritating, why do they only hear it when they want to? Other than that, the refs were fine until the last 2 minutes of the game.
When we hit the last 12 minutes--free substitutions at my will--we began to play good ball. My little girls--the quick ones--shut down Gargantua and began to gain on them. We had been behind 15 pts, forcing them to quit the full court press, per the rules, but during the last 2 minutes, the score was 19-32, which, by my calculation, is a 13 pt spread, enabling clock stoppage. Unfortunately, the parent running the clock was with the other team. To give him credit, he did agree we were within 15 and began to stop the clock but the ref told him to keep it going, ignoring the rules once again.
Here's the thing: I don't make personal comments about girls on the other team or about their parents or their coach. Basketball is a game for the kids, not a time for personal attacks. When I speak up, it has to do with enforcing rules, keeping play fair and safe, and asking questions. When this other coach speaks, he's derogatory, rude, and makes personal attacks. Some examples:
1) When I asked him about subbing his girls out and he YELLED at me he didn't have anyone, I shrugged and smiled kinda goofy. He said, "OMG, you are so weird, all you do is yell at the refs, no wonder your team never wins!" I may be weird, I don't know. But I was not yelling at the refs--I have NEVER yelled at the refs, other than trying to get them to hear me call time out, and the personal attacks were completely insupportable in any case, especially aimed at my girls.
2) When I was trying to get the 2 minute clock stoppage rule enforced, this coach said the same thing he said last time--"It won't make any difference, you won't be able to do anything anyway."
His girls picked up on his attitude and were dancing around, joking loudly about "Oh, no, what shall we do" in reaction to our short scoring streak. When their guard fouled out, the girl who was told to take over at point loudly exclaimed, in a fit of laughter, "Oh, no, I don't know if I can handle it!"
I know youth sports have always been havens for rude coaches and poor refs. I'm not so thin-skinned I can't deal with these pathetic moments. But I have had it with officials who should be monitoring the pace of the game, and enforcing rules, just dismissing them at will. I'm tired of the buddy wink wink nudge nudge good ol' boys referee club in the face of an angry male coach that turns into an immediate peacock feather display of bravado and assumed power when I say anything to the referees.
I've dealt with this same evil, resulting from the military's blind eye towards spousal and child abuse: even with hospital documents, including pictures of my bruises, with an investigation that revealed his endangerment of our baby, when he would leave the house, cut me off the bank account so I couldn't pay the bills and our house lights and water were turned off, I was told there was nothing the Army could do, and I'd better not go to the civilian police, because if he was found guilty of abuse, he'd lose his job b/c he would not be able to carry a firearm, thereby ending his ability to pay child support. I was young and dumb and I listened at the time.
I've dealt with this same evil within the divorce courts of the deep South, replete with obese, snoring bailiffs. The judge said he didn't like divorce cases, took 2 years to take ours (he filed, not I) and told my attorney he wouldn't listen to him, as he was angry at him for something else. My abusive husband was basically rewarded for his evil, although I've come to truly understand that the only thing worth having is my kids and I got them--though he tried a custody suit 2 years ago until I faxed a 28 page explanation as to why he should not have custody. His attorney quit on him. Small victory. I still don't get fair child support.
Is this the same thing happening on the 7th grade basketball court? Well, I know it's not the same thing, but it's the same evil that grips these rude, obnoxious men who make personal attacks. And really, it crosses gender boundaries these days, too. If you've ever read comments left on high profile political blogs or newspaper websites, or even Craigslist.com, you know people have no comprehension of personal censorship. I used to post a lot in a "Christian" singles forums, but eventually realized most people cannot discuss or argue without attacking ad hominem. It's become an accepted practice, especially shielded by internet anonymity.
I've decided I won't coach for this basketball league next year. Of course, knowing myself, I'll probably forget how disgusted I am right now and become excited at coaching my daughter again. I've had parents ask me to coach a tournament team with players I choose. Maybe I will.
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